Messtival, widely acknowledged as the least popular music festival in New Brunswick and almost certainly the worst festival anywhere, announced that after eleven years it was about eleven years passed due to pack it in. Officially, as of today, Messtival is dead.
The festival made the announcement via Facebook, taking time to thank their landed benefactor and assign blame.
“Sincere post alert:
Dear Messtivalmaniacs, we truly appreciate how you, the attendees, have helped to shape Messtival into what it has become, a place where no one takes themselves seriously and celebrates and embraces their inner (or outer) weirdo. That being said, due to financial losses incurred by reduced attendance we unfortunately have to come to terms that Messtival is no longer a viable endeavour. The Messtival crew has had an amazing time putting on this event over the last eleven instalments and couldn’t have done it without the attendees, volunteers, organizers and artists that have helped to put it on. Thank you for making Messtival the worst time ever.
Special thanks to Mike Ritchie for allowing a gathering of unwashed hippies and losers to gather on his premises year after year.
TLDR: You all killed Messtival because you didn’t give us enough money. We hope you’re happy with yourselves.”
One of Messtival’s longtime organizers, who not only wishes to remain anonymous but would also prefer to deny they had any role in the festival, had more to say about the Messtival’s timely demise and the loss of more than a decade of their life.
“On the road of life, people die, festivals die, people’s pets die, and some people are just dead to us. We always thought Messtival would have died from a murder suicide by the Shakedown Ranch, but they killed themselves early,” says the organizer.
“Messtival lived a terrible, terrible, terrible life. One of those Facebook pages that you unfollow to at least make your day slightly sunnier. We always miss what’s been lost, but Messtival’s like one of those scabs that you simply can’t wait to rip off, but you try to be patient, knowing some day it will hopefully end.”
The organizer, however, says they are hopeful that the damage can be repaired. While the emotional scars may linger, time, nature and permanent memory damage will play a role in reclaiming our lives.
While doctors have yet to be consulted about any lasting health concerns, those close to the festival have been marked with an indelible bitterness and lasting sense of sarcasm.
The organizer also expresses that, with much of the suffering behind him, they’re just glad to know that it’s over.
“Butt River was always poisonous and flammable so it simply took a match. Mike Ritchie was sacrificed to the bears in family camping and the first son of every primary organizer was donated to Value Village. The stage will be shot into space, to give a home for our hero, the amazing Donald Trump, when he builds us our space force,” explains the organizer.
“If you’re gonna die, might as well Die Hard, like the movie Die Hard, but more Die Hard 2, because the last Messtival was such a piece of shit that it should have been the funeral and not even that fancy shit that you use to fertilize gardens. I’m talking post Future Forest porta-potties. To quote the late Winston Churchill, ‘I’m going to the washroom and am ready to meet my maker.’ We all already used the washroom and Messtival has been ready since day 1.”
“Messtival has survived many things: bear attacks, Al Qaeda, the accidental murder of children’s show star Bram from Sharon Louis and Bram, the controversial resurrection party. But no one thought Messtival would die of something so basic.”
Messtival would have taken place during the New Brunswick long weekend in Anagance, New Brunswick. No news is available on the class-action lawsuit proposed on behalf of the survivors.