Messtival, one of New Brunswick’s least appreciated and yet disturbingly popular music festivals, have announced that they are bankrupt. Amidst a perfect storm of scandals, mismanagement and corruption, the moral deviants behind Messtival are making a desperate last-minute effort to save both the festival and their kneecaps.
The festival’s financial circumstances are shrouded in rumour, mystery and bad bookkeeping. Now their debtors are coming to collect, one way or another.
“I definitely have more kneecaps than money at the moment, and Messtival has even less money and kneecaps than me,” says festival organizer Jeremie ‘Jerry’ Boudreau of Messtival’s current financial state.
“Last Messtival lost all the money. Scientology finally came for our assets after Ian [MacMillan] pledged the festival to them a couple years back. We invested heavily into that shit-show Fyre Festival that’s back in the news. We got scammed by a fraudulent cryptocurrency. BA Johnston made off with all our duck race money and it turns out that’s what kept this whole festival going….”
And before we fault the festival on their irresponsible style of laissez-faire fiscal management, let us first applaud them for at least attempting to have a diversified portfolio.
“We spin our decision wheel. We leave it up to the gods. We pledged our money to the Lannisters,” claims Boudreau.
Rather than risking hostile debt collection at the business end of a crowbar, the festival is hoping to alleviate their circumstance through a series of small shows across the province.
“A few people felt bad that some of us were stuck covering some remaining bills and set up a couple fundraiser shows for us.”
The event, titled The Messtival Inter-Provincial Promoter Poverty Prevention Proceeds Producing Pity Party (or IPPPPPPPP for short), is one that festival organizers want to assure attendees is absolutely not a pyramid scheme.
“It’s actually a time share presentation,” says Boudreau. Attendees will all be sharing in a space within Fredericton’s Capital Complex simultaneously for a brief period. “One night. We’re taking it all over. And we think it’ll be moderately fun.”
Which is something of a break with tradition for Messtival. Widely regarded as the worst time anyone can have in New Brunswick, festival promoters have long wondered why people return to Messtival again and again each year, but say they are open to other options.
“As an ever-evolving and -adapting festival, we thought we could borrow elements from other festivals. A common theme with many of these festivals was the intention of having fun. We decided to give it a shot in this form before committing the whole festival to it.”
The evening-long event will feature bands such as Chill Teens, Winter’s Howl, Joyful Noise, Jedi of Funk, Lewcid, Moon Druid, and Hank of the Hill. Attendees are warned to bring their own helmet, watch out for losers and, for the love of Jumping Josephat, NO hair flips. Cover is $10 at the door. Saturday, February 2nd, 2019.
Boudreau hints that there may be similar events held across the Maritimes, but no details have yet been announced.