Messtival Becomes Religious Battleground

What was expected to be a pleasant weekend of ritual sacrifice and devil worshipping at Messtival, Anagance’s largest annual festival, has taken an unexpected turn, as one member of the community may have accidentally outed the event as a lure to bring the wicked, and habitual sinners into the light and love of God.

On July 30th, just a week short of the festival, Steve ‘Stevičko’ Murphy made a comment on the event page wall that the festival, looking to spill the blood of innocents and raise a host of the undead, was a step too far: “I have loved you in the past Messtival with the sarcasm and fun but honestly, the theme this year is just too over the top for me. When I’m at festivals I want a safe, secure, and non-threatening environment and though I know the theme is suppose to be a joke, my heart is telling me it’s not all that funny and might lead, at least my mind, to places I really don’t want it to go. I love you all and hope you have a great time and I’ll see you next year.”

The response from the unholy congregation was to collectively stick out their tongues with an emphasized ‘neener-neener’, but Murphy’s comment might have been enough to cause the event organizers to blink. Not long after the comments were made copies of a new poster appeared online and around Moncton, along with statements of inclusivity, comfort, and safety.

Brother Ian MacMillan, community planner, says that Stephen’s epistle was only the most recent of many steps he’s taken toward allowing the love of Christ into his heart, and the festival, “Well I felt a tugging at my heartstrings when I was about to slaughter one of my cats as a sacrifice to the rain gods… I thought to myself, there must be a better way… Then I looked in my mailbox and saw a mailer for my local church ‘Our Lady of Perpetual Offense’ and I knew He was speaking to me. We have realized the goal all along was to lure in heathens and followers of false gods and shower them with His love. We will illuminate the darkness of these sinners and bring them kicking and screaming into the light. It turns out our theme was religious extremism all along.”

Festival-goers have shown mixed responses to the news ranging from praise, to confusion, to anger. Most are primarily concerned with thought of having to repack for the weekend’s theme reversal.

Brother MacMillan explains that festival-goers should expect as few changes to the festival as possible, but to have the best experience festival attendees should “brush up on their glossolalia, practice being affronted by anyone having beliefs that are different than their own, and even to develop an ailment that can be adequately healed by a faith healer pressing a single sweaty palm upon their forehead. We have crudely added an S to our palm reading kiosk sign and will now offer psalm reading instead.“